Insecurities
by Princess of Monkeys
Summary: Kurt's insecurities are taking a toll on his relationship with Amanda.


"Insecurities" By Princess of Monkeys  
  
Disclaimer: (Repeat after me) I don't own X-Men. Now that we're all clear on that point.  
  
A/N: This is set soon after Mainstream. I have no idea how much time has taken place between Shadowdance and Mainstream, so I'm going to say it's been a couple of months. Thanks goes out to scarred, for reviewing my other piece. my first review! yay! Anyways, yeah, there's a story somewhere around here.  
  
The morning had started out well enough, Kurt reflected, until the argument with Kitty at breakfast. She wasn't a morning person by any stretch of the imagination, but it still didn't give her the right to be so rude.  
  
Kurt sighed and looked around himself, trying to banish his thoughts and enjoy the beauty of the spring day. He was on his way to meet Amanda for a date, and even though he could have teleported to her house, he had decided to walk, hoping that the extra time taken would improve his mood.  
  
He passed the flower stand where he usually bought roses for Amanda, and debated stopping in, but decided against it. Ever since the X-Men had been publicly exposed on national television, Kurt had been rather leery of dealing with normal humans. Most people knew he was "one of those Xavier kids," so even though they were- thankfully- still unaware of his specific mutation, he was still an easy target.  
  
Sparing the flower stand one more glance, he passed by, thinking _she will understand_ Amanda always understood, sometimes even more than his teammates. He wondered at that; sometimes he thought she might have some sort of telepathic powers, except that she didn't have an X-gene. The Professor had scanned her mind, with her permission of course, soon after she and Kurt had started dating, and had found her to be a completely normal human. _Well, not completely normal- she isn't scared of me at all!_ He thought with a small smile. She was just. special.  
  
His smile widened. He had been looking forward to this date all week- things had been strained between him and the rest of the team ever since their return to school after the Sentinel fight, two weeks ago. He knew it was his own fault, but still, it was hard to have all of his friends upset at him at the same time. Everyone else had thawed out some, but Kitty was still furious. Sighing, he looked up to find himself on Amanda's doorstep. Putting on a smile, he rang the doorbell.  
  
Amanda had been running around the house all morning, trying to make sure everything was perfect. Her father was out of town on business, and her mother had left an hour ago, winking at her and telling her that she really would like to meet her daughter's mysterious young man sometime soon. She didn't know why her mother was trusting her alone with some guy she'd hadn't even met yet, but she wasn't going to knock it. _We'll have enough trouble as it is when they actually do meet him, better not start asking for it now_  
  
Putting all thoughts of her parents out of her mind, she returned to her bedroom. Standing before her full length mirror, she decided that her boyfriend would definitely like what he'd see. After much debate, she had decided on a yellow flowered sundress- innocent and flirty all at the same time. Her mass of hair was pulled back from her face with a headband, and silver hoop earrings, a gift from Kurt on for her recent birthday, sparkled in her ears. She checked her makeup one last time, blotting her lip gloss carefully. Through a process of trial and sometimes hilarious error, they had discovered that only one of her lip glosses was fur friendly; now it was the only one she ever used.  
  
She rearranged the pictures on her dresser, placing the ones of herself and Kurt in the front. Opening a drawer, she removed her most cherished photo of the two of them together, and placed it in a position of prominence in the center of all the others. This one she had to keep hidden from her parents, because it showed Kurt in his natural form. Amanda had visited the Institute one weekend, and Kitty had been running around taking pictures of everyone with a disposable camera to send to her parents back home, and she'd caught Kurt and Amanda lounging on the couch and watching a Disney movie. He looked so relaxed and happy in that picture- nothing like the slightly nervous expression he had on his face in all the hologram pictures.  
  
The doorbell rang, startling her, and she ran to go get it, giggling giddily.  
  
Kurt stood outside, waiting, the familiar fear of rejection pounding in his head. _What if she doesn't want me, what if she doesn't answer?_ To his relief, the door opened, and Amanda flew into his arms, smiling. Her happiness to see him eased his mind, and he smiled back down at her. Before he quite realized it, she had pulled him into the house and shut the door.  
  
"Didn't want the nosy neighbors seeing anything," she said by way of an explanation, as he looked around nervously. He had never been inside her house before, and he was worried about her parents being around.  
  
"Um, 'Manda, I thought ve vere going to see a movie." he trailed off uncertainly at the look on her face.  
  
Suddenly shy, she looked at the floor. "Well, if you want- it's just that no one's here, and we never get a chance to just be alone. there's always someone around at school, and the Institute." She looked up at him again, and saw that he was nodding at her.  
  
"Great!" Not waiting for a response, she turned and began to lead the way to her room. "Oh, yeah- and turn that stupid thing off!" she called back over her shoulder. Knowing full well what she meant, Kurt switched off his image inducer; she had developed quite a hatred for the little device, and insisted that he turn it off around her as much as possible. Knowing that there were some arguments he would never win, he gave in to her about it.  
  
She pushed open the door, and Kurt's first reaction was "I guess you vere not joking vhen you said that blue vas your favorite color!" She just laughed. He followed her in, noticing the photographs sitting on the dresser with a mix of surprise and unease. _I hope she doesn't leave that one out!_ he thought of the one featuring him in his blue furred glory. He'd had no idea she had so many pictures of the two of them. As if reading his mind, she said "Don't worry, I keep that one out of sight. They'd just freak out because they haven't met you yet." Privately, he was sure that they'd freak out for more than that, but he didn't say so.  
  
Sitting down gingerly on the edge of her bed, he removed his specially made boots and placed them neatly on the floor next to the nightstand. He leaned back, blending in with the pillows, and settled himself, adjusting to the unfamiliar setting. Amanda studied him for a moment, noticing that he looked a little bit. off. Like he was worried about something. She curled up next to him on her bed, and he wrapped his tail around her waist and drew her closer to him, putting his arms around her. They sat like that for a moment in silence, and then Amanda took the plunge.  
  
Reaching out a hand to gently brush some of his long indigo hair off his face, she looked him in the eyes and asked "Kurt, what happened? I can tell something's bothering you. You look. sad."  
  
Sighing, he said "I never can fool you, liebling. It's just something stupid- I had an argument with Kitty at breakfast this morning." At her questioning look, he continued. "She always complains about the smell after I teleport, but usually she is just teasing, so I didn't take her seriously. So I said that maybe I stink, but at least I'm not an airhead. And then she said that maybe she is an airhead, but at least she didn't ditch her friends. I can't believe she's still mad at me!"  
  
Shaking her head, Amanda just looked at him. She knew exactly why Kitty was still mad at him. "Well, of course she's still mad at you! Not only did her boyfriend betray her, but her best friend ditched her, too. How would you feel?"  
  
He was surprised- he'd never thought of it that way before, what his actions must have looked like to her. He hadn't wanted to lose his normal human friends, because it was the first time in his life he'd had any, and instead, he'd almost lost his best friend. He turned to look at Amanda, suspicious. "How do you know, anyvays?"  
  
"I have French and Computer Science with her, and after you guys all came back to school, I was the only one who wasn't scared of her." Troubled, she remembered how sad Kitty had looked when she'd sat down in French, only to have everyone move away from her. Amanda had stared everyone down and sat down right next to her like it was the most normal thing in the world, and Kitty, grateful, had opened up to her. By the time she'd come out of class, someone had already scrawled "mutie lover" across her locker. Since Kurt had come out about being a mutant too, it had only gotten worse. Nobody understood how she could knowingly date a "freak," and they'd started calling her names to her face. People could be so stupid and cruel, afraid of what they didn't understand.  
  
She suddenly realized that Kurt had been trying to ask her something. "Sorry, what? I was kinda somewhere in space for a sec."  
  
Very seriously, he asked he "'Manda, vhy are you not afraid of us, not afraid of me?"  
  
She sighed, a deep frustrated sigh. _Why can't he ever understand?_ "Kurt, why should I be afraid of you? You'd never hurt me, neither would any of your friends. Why should I be scared?"  
  
"Because there are mutants who vould hurt you, bad mutants."  
  
"Okay, so there are bad mutants out there. But there are bad non- mutants, too. It's not 'us' and 'them,' we're all human, all just people, Kurt, special powers or not. I don't discriminate against anyone."  
  
Bitterly, he replied "Other people do."  
  
Suddenly angry, she shot back with "I am not 'other people!' I'm me. Hello, have you ever really looked at me, Kurt? I have dark skin, the wrong kind of hair. It's all just genetics, and it's stupid! I know what discrimination feels like, maybe not like you, but enough to know that it's wrong."  
  
Kurt cocked his head to the side and looked at her, confused. He reached out and grabbed her hand in his, blue fur contrasting with her skin. "Ja, but liebling, you openly side vith us! You sit vith us at lunch, talk to Kitty in class, and openly proclaim our relationship! The people at school hate you for being vith one of us; I'm afraid you vill get hurt! I'm just vorried for you."  
  
It's my choice! I couldn't care less if they hate me- if people are going to be that stupid, I don't want them to be my friends anyways. And of course I'm not going to hide our relationship- I'm happy to be your girlfriend!" She paused for a moment, hurt suddenly lurking in her deep brown eyes. "Or are you ashamed to be with me?" She asked quietly.  
  
"No, 'Manda!" He answered, surprised that she could even think such a thing. "I just vonder vhy you want to be vith a furry blue freak like me, vhen you could have a normal boyfriend, normal friends-"  
  
She had never been so angry in her life. Nothing made her madder at him than when he disparaged his looks, and now he was using them as a reason for her to not be with him! Did he really think she was that shallow? "Normal?! There's no such thing! I'm not even normal- it's a figment of the imagination! You are who I want, what I want! Why is it so hard for you to understand that? Why are you trying so hard to push me away?"  
  
At this point, she was crying, and Kurt was in shock. All the cruelty from the kids at school, the bigotry of her former friends- things that would make other girls fall apart- she'd just laughed and shrugged off. Now, she was crying because of him, and he felt like the lowest, scummiest creature ever born.  
  
He pulled her into his lap, stroking her hair as she cried against his chest. "Oh liebling, shh, it's okay, shh, I'm not pushing you away."  
  
"But you are." Amanda's voice, even muffled by tears and his fur, was full of despair. She sat back and looked up at him, tears still rolling down her cheeks. "Everyone's got their insecurities, but yours make you not trust me, not believe in me. Deep down, you're still sure that I'm just playing with you, just using you. I can see it in your eyes when you look at me sometimes- it's like you're always afraid. Every time you come up to me at school, you have this look on your face, like you're sure that this time, I'm going to reject you. Even though I'm not going to, I'm never going to do that, it's still there inside you, that fear. You even hold back when you kiss me, like you're scared I'm going to freak out or something, even though I never have. It hurts me, Kurt. All the names the people at school have called me, all the mean things they've said- none of them hurts even half as much as always seeing that fear in your eyes."  
  
She paused for breath, dabbing at her eyes with a corner of his shirt, and Kurt just sat there, paralyzed into speechlessness. He'd had no idea what he was putting her through, but he remembered fires and pitchforks and screams, all the names he'd been called. Every morning, he checked his forehead for horns, afraid of becoming in truth the demon he resembled. He'd spent his whole life being afraid that no one would ever love him. He didn't know how to stop being afraid.  
  
But Amanda wasn't finished yet. Softly, so quietly he could hardly hear her, she continued pouring out her heart to him. "I thought it would get better after you got to know me better, after you realized that I'm not just like all the people who hurt you in the past. But you're so scared of being pushed away that you make it hard for me to get close to you. When you say I could be with someone normal. I could be with anyone, and I chose you. I've told you a hundred times that you're the person I want, just the way you are, but you never listen."  
  
His voice came out harsh, guttural. "Ja, you vant me just the way I am. Vhat does that mean, you are only dating me because I look like this? You are vith me because I'm a freak?" He regretted the words the minute they left his mouth.  
  
Amanda looked at him like he'd just stabbed her. Suddenly, with no warning, she hauled back and slapped him.  
  
_Oh yeah, I definitely deserved that one_ Kurt thought ashamedly. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror across the room, and the red mark was visible through his fur. Amanda was immediately sorry- she'd never hit anyone before in her life! She apologized to him, but he said "No, liebe, I think I deserved it."  
  
"Yeah, oh yeah, you really did. Kurt, I liked you before I knew what you really looked like, remember? When I accidentally saw you that day in the hallway, it made me like you more. Blue is my favorite color, and you are beautiful. You don't look like a demon to me- you're an elf, just like your friends call you. Your fur is like velvet, and your tail does interesting things when you don't pay attention to it, and. Why can't you just believe me?"  
  
Kurt thought about it for a moment, and surprisingly, for the first time, he did believe her. "'Manda, I do believe you." he trailed off.  
  
Before she could think, the words just came out of her mouth. "Well, good, because I don't know what more I can do to prove that I love you-" Too late, she realized the confession she'd just made, and looked up at him, trying not to show her hope in her eyes.  
  
Kurt certainly hadn't expected that- in fact, from the recent turn of their conversation, he'd more been expecting her to tell him that she couldn't stand being with him anymore because he'd hurt her too much. _This girl is amazing, to put up with all of my fears and still love me._ But miraculously, his fears were melting away. She loved him, this amazing beautiful girl, loved him!  
  
"You really love me," he breathed, fragile hope in his eyes, seeing the truth written plainly on her face.  
  
She was laughing and crying all at once. "Yes you big blue fuzzball, I love you! Now shut up and kiss me already!"  
  
And he did, for once not holding back, throwing himself into it with reckless abandon. The feel of his light soft facial fur against her skin, and the sensation of his fangs shifting, pressed against her lips as he moved his mouth, was intoxicating. She could feel his arms tightening around her, his hands running through her hair, his tail stroking her back, and that thunderous rumbling purr coming from deep in his chest, radiating through both of them. it was the most perfect moment of her life.  
  
When they came up for air, all she could manage was "Wow."  
  
Suddenly shy, he looked down at her, still resting in his arms, and said softly "I love you too, 'Manda." When she smiled up at him, he knew everything between them was going to be alright.  
  
Somehow, knowing that he had her love, it made being a teenage mutant superhero that much easier. 


End file.
